Every time Piers Morgan gets angry about Millennials – poof – one among us transforms into a “delicate little Instagrammed snowflake.”
His hatred of our generation is well-known and even better publicised.
At best, Morgan is amusing in his washed-up tirades. At worst, he is a parochial fascist.
Unfortunately, he is also famous, and that means we are forced audience to his food-spitting tirades at the dinner table.
What Piers Morgan has intimated through a mouthful of duck pâté on many occasions is that a politically-correct, empathetic, self-loving, progressive and sensitive generation is a bad thing; worse, even, than Donald Trump.
Faced with pantomime villains like this, our generation has been forced to become – guess what? – even more politically-correct, empathetic, self-loving, progressive and sensitive.
We will place floral affirmations into the barrels of the guns pointing at us; fight vitriol with calm as young people have so often done.
My contribution to this practice is thus: a list of little things that everyone should receive participation medals for. A list that Piers Morgan would hate.
- Changing double bedding on your own. That shit is hard.
- Getting to work on time most days. How extraordinary it is that entire cities full of people do this day in, day out despite life’s constant determination to kill us.
- Eating a fruit and/or vegetable. Every time you do this, you have chosen good health over Creme Eggs, and for that you should be proud.
- Eating ice cream for breakfast. Congrats, friend, you have loved yourself on a deep and spiritual level that is enviable.
- Exercising. Damn it, you are going so much faster than everyone on the sofa right now.
- Staying on the sofa all day. I had to learn how to do this without having a panic attack and if you can do it without needing therapy like I did then you bang.
- Phoning someone important. Can I borrow some of your adult?
- Showing yourself some kindness. You sure as hell did not learn how to compliment yourself from the media, so you probably taught it yourself.
- Getting angry at the state of politics. You are officially not an apathetic monster. Keep it that way, no matter how many times your elders tell you to deal with it.
- Maintaining relationships with friends, family and colleagues. Thanks for the help, social media.
- Getting out of bed. A marathon on the best of days; a Triple Iron Man on depressed days.
- Drinking enough water. Look at you, you hydrated powerhouse.
- Buying bleach or toothpaste or something. Medals all round for innocuous yet difficult life admin.
- Hanging out the washing. You’re not going to have to do another wash because they’re all fresh and shit rather than moldering away! High five.
- Taking your meds. Necessary but weirdly difficult.
- Taking a shower. You smell like Lush right now. You know that, right?
- Keeping house plants alive. Your cute lil’ green pets thank you.
- Taking a banging selfie. INSTAGRAM THAT SHIT RIGHT NOW YOU DELICATE LITTLE SNOWFLAKE.
- Sitting at a desk for like nine hours. How do we do this???
- Going out into a world that hates you. I’m proud of you, you brave thing.